The Modern Version

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.

Your mum and I got together in a chat room at Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met up at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy disk to a stiffy and then your mum agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, a blessed little pop-up appeared and said, "You have got a Male!""

Something's Gotta Give

Smith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Smith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on."

She runs back to Smith and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

USArmy

The US has succeeded in building a super computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.

They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question, "Attack or retreat?"

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes!"

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer, "Yes what?"

Instantly the computer responded, "Yes SIR!"

The Tale of Two Bats

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one, "And we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

Sensitive Men... Right!

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

She is American Alrite

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."

Don't Leave 'Em Hanging

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Looking for My Wife

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going."

The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I’m looking for my wife too, and I’m getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

The second guy answers, "She’s tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"

The first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."

Unfaithful Wives

Smith and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Smith says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Welcome to Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in shit.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it’s better than the other two. I’ll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break’s over, everyone back on your heads!"

Smart Pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Communication

Q: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
A: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

The Maid-factor

Mrs. Smith to her maid: Oh Jean, I have reason to suspect that Mr. Smith is having an affair with his secretary.
Jean: I don't believe it! You are just trying to make me jealous!!

Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Old Folk’s Pick-up Lines

• "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like... where exactly are we again?"
• "Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too much ointment this morning."
• "Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."
• "Who's your granddaddy?"
• "Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too."
• "Hey babe, looking for a good time? How about coming home with me and... z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z."

No Milk

A woman and a baby come into the doctor’s office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examine table. The doctor starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don’t have any milk!"

The woman with a wry grin on her face responds,"Well of course I don’t. I’m his aunt - but I’m sure glad I brought him in!"

সেরা গোপাল ভাঁড়: গরু নিখোঁজ

গোপালের গরু হারিয়ে গেছে। সারাদিন ঘুরে ঘুরেও গরু খুঁজে না পেয়ে গোপালের মাথা খারাপ অবস্থা। বিদ্ধস্ত অবস্থায় বাসায় এসে ছেলেকে ডেকে বলছে, 'যা এক ঘটি জল নিয়ে আয় তো ভাই!'

শুনে গোপালের বউ বলে, 'বলি মাথাটি কি বিগড়ে গেছে? নিজের ছেলেকে ভাই বলে ডাকছো যে?'

দীর্ঘশ্বাস ফেলে গোপাল বলে, 'গরু হারালে মাথার কি আর ঠিক থাকে, মা?'